First Audition for a Speaking Role

I went to my first audition on Feb. 21, 2009 -- at least the first audition for a speaking role in a feature film. I was scared out of my wits! What was I doing? I have never taken any acting lessons and I have no experience. What was I thinking?

Upon arriving I noted about a dozen people in the waiting area. Most were going over scripts. They all looked as if they were waiting to be executed. One at a time, they entered, then after 15 or 20 minutes, exited the torture chamber -- or "audition room" as some people refer to it. My nerves had reached the point where I was shaking so badly I was afraid people would think I was having some kind of seizure. It's a good thing I wasn't holding a cup of scalding-hot coffee.

I kept myself occupied watching the parade of the "condemned" go marching by. I pictured myself being blindfolded and facing an unseen firing squad. Then it happened -- just as I had feared -- it was my turn. The excutioner beckoned me to follow him. I got up and strode confidently behind him, only twice stumbling over my own feet.

The executioner, or "director," introduced himself and indicated for me to sit on the "hot seat." Also present were the cameraman, an assistant director and three or four other people whose sole purpose was, I suspect, to make me even more nervous (as if that were possible!). The single, huge, unblinking eye of the camera was staring directly at me and the hot studio lights were giving me second degree burns on all areas of exposed skin! I was sweating like a black undercover agent at a KKK rally! The "nervous makers" were all staring at me, pencils poised above identical yellow pads of lined paper, to note every little thing I did wrong.

The director yelled "Roll camera!" then said to me, "Look into the camera and tell us your name and what role you are auditioning for." My first thought was, "Does he really want me to walk over there, open up the camera and look into it?" My second thought was, "What is my name?"

That's the point where everything went blank. I'm sure I looked like the proverbial "deer in the headlights." When my consciousness returned to my body I found myself trying to casually get my driver's license out of my back pocket to read the name on it -- or even see what state it was issued in. That could be a clue!

That's when the director broke my concentration and barked out the cues to the lines I was supposed to have memorized. I responded promptly with lots of "ummm"s and "uhhhh"s punctuated by numerous awkward silences. When it was all over about 3 hours later -- or 10 seconds, I'm not sure which -- the director shook my hand and said either "wood knob" or "good job." I couldn't tell which due to the buzzing in my head. Then he said he would notify me of his rejection -- or maybe he said "decision." Damn buzzing.

I felt like I had been staring into the sun for hours and couldn't see anything. I was drained of all my energy and felt like someone had removed every bone in my body. With Herculean effort I stood up and staggered out of the audition room like a drunken sailor with epilepsy. As casually as possible I lurched past all the other auditioners in the waiting area while proudly showing off the huge, wet circles under my arms. I had done it!

Or, as I think back on it ... maybe I had been abducted by aliens and been subjected to their hideous psychological and physical examinations over a period of several weeks. I'll probably never know.